Dear Diary....Just a Blip in my Mind.

Preface:

This goes out to anyone who thought they were supposed to be somebody by now. All you can do is love yourself and your family on the way. Just because your not somebody now doesn’t mean it will never happen. Instead of saying it’s not happening, say it just hasn’t happened yet.

SOMETHING.

A long time ago when I was a very young girl, some woman complimented my name. She said that Marlena Jade Muñoz sounded like a rock-star or someone who could be famous. For some reason that memory always stuck with me growing up. I’ve always thought I’m destined to do something amazing in this crazy world of ours. I knew that eventually sometime throughout my life I wanted to contribute, create, or discover something that would make people know my name. I would become that rock-star.

FEAR.

I had my fair share of different passions while growing up. I’ve always been a creative person. I used to make my own books when I was six. I would put on my own plays when I was 8. I used to make up games and even make movies with my cousins when I was 12. I played the keyboard and guitar when I was in high school. I started a trend in my sewing class to make hoodies. I wrote tons of poems and songs. I’ve made plenty of beats and even a few songs on my laptop during college. Recently, I bought two turntables and learned how to mix vinyl. While growing up, FEAR kept me from focusing on one passion though. I had all the resources in the world and the creative out look but I was distracted. As I got older, I was distracted by my fear of being alone. Ever since high school, I started focusing more on finding someone, another person to become my passion. For some reason I wasn’t enough for me.

FOCUS.

Currently, I’ve graduated with a writing degree and still working for a job that’s supposed to be temporary. And ever since I turned 25, I’ve been beating myself up about it, realizing that time’s a tickin'. Where’s my career? Where’s my passion? I’ve spent too much time putting my energy, my passion, in other people instead of myself. Living in a city like San Francisco you think would help me in find some type of creative career opportunities. However, I distracted myself with trying to find someone to love me instead and was ok in my hamster wheel. My life was one big hamster wheel. It wasn’t until I broke up with my recent boyfriend that learning to love and be with myself, like really just be alone with myself, is necessary. Right now at 25 years old, is the first time in my life I’m really focusing on truly loving myself.

FAMILY.

I have an incredible family. There are so many successful, creative and talented men and women who share the same blood as me. Even the people my family married are amazing as well. It’s almost intimidating. I have to admit it is intimidating. All I ever wanted to do in my life is to make all these people proud of me. I hate disappointing anyone and always been my absolute worst critic. Growing up for some reason I felt I had nothing really to show for because I was so unfocused about what I was trying to do with my life. I made the mistake of comparing myself to my other cousins who are incredibly talented and were already advancing in their passions, while I was running steadily in my hamster wheel. However, my family has always been supportive and always wanting the best for me. I was just too busy being disappointed with myself to really see that my family was truly proud and could actually help me even more. I’m not the best communicator or staying in touch. So growing up I’ve lost my connection with some of my family but it’s not like I ever stopped thinking about them. My mom always nagged me non-stop to call upon my family to help me with resources, a career. Again fear kept me away. I just wanted to be that rock-star that I’ve always thought I would be.

ESCAPING THE HAMSTER WHEEL

One thing I do remember what my family always thought of me. They appreciate how strong and independent I am. They knew I could always hold my own and they didn’t have to worry about me heading to a wrong direction. It’s true. No matter how hard situations are in my life, I am always resilient. I decided to leave the big city life for a little bit and refocus. My wonderful Auntie and Uncle are graciously letting me live with them until I save and figure out what the heck I’m going to do with myself. It’s a much-needed escape from the hamster wheel. Not only is this a relief but also it’s an opportunity to finally reconnect with family who were the solutions to my problems all along. Very recently one of my Aunties told me I’m at a very exciting and hopeful crossroad in my life. She also said the balls in my court; her and the rest of my family are on the sidelines cheerleading the whole way. So I’m here’s my chance to believe it and believe I am that rock-star named Marlena Jade Muñoz.